Anxiety…Not This Bitch Again…

 

anxiety

I saw this meme on Instagram and it spoke to me, it said, “Hey who has your license plate? And why do they get to drive a Mercedes? Bitch.” We all have some sort of #anxiety, well, most of us do. Some have found their inner zen to the infinite degree, and that is great, but me? I am this license plate. I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and complex #PTSD. Through a lifetime of trauma, bad relationships, and just plain ole life bullshit, this is where I am…and that is okay. Why is it okay? I say it is okay, because I am getting help, and right now that is where I am, and in the future I will be better….and it will be okay.

Dealing with these anxiety disorders on the regular is not easy, not fun, not a badge that says look at me, I have a mental disorder. No, you do not want anyone looking too closely at you. It makes you anxious. Anything, or nothing, can trigger a panic attack. I had one while waiting for my youngest in carpool last school year. It was awful. I wake from my crappy sleep often with either an anxiety attack or having had a horribly defined and vivid nightmare. Again, awful. It can hit anywhere, anytime. The thought of having an anxiety attack can trigger one. People, places, smells, anything that triggers a memory of a trauma, can trigger an attack. It becomes all consuming, to the point where it changes you as a person.

But don’t despair. Hope reigns eternal. I started therapy a few months ago, and things are looking up. My therapist has me working through a workbook, and doing daily exercises to manage my anxiety.  My daily anxiety is lessening, and the attacks are lessening in frequency. I am coming to a point where I feel hopeful, and can see a light at the end of the tunnel. And not the, head towards the light one when you die either. I have regained my hope. I am looking at my life and searching for ways in which I can grow, instead of looking at it and sighing in despair.

Anxiety can be a good thing though, in small doses. I tend to do my best work when I feel a slight bit of pressure to get it done. It fuels a drive inside that works positively, and that is something I want to keep, and fan that flame. So for anyone who suffers from anxiety, stay hopeful, no matter how hard. You can overcome those debilitating anxiety attacks. You can live a positive, peaceful life. I have hope, and if I can do it, you can do it…and I am hell bent on doing it.

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You Don’t Need a Ticket for This Ride….

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the ones I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Greater words have never been uttered, yet, this simple phrase seems  daunting to me. I have struggled, through my entire life. I have struggled to the point that struggling is my norm, it is what is familiar to me. I have struggled so much that it feels strange to imagine not struggling, financially, romantically, family wise, career wise. I have struggled so long, and so deeply that I feel as though I do not know the feeling of peace, of not struggling.

I have been struggling to find a path with my life, and meanwhile have been going down the path I choose by not choosing. So I ask myself, “Self, why are you afraid of picking something you want to do?” My self responds, “Fear. Fear of making a mistake, choosing the wrong thing, making the wrong choice and being wrong.” I have been wrong my whole life as well, to everyone in my life. At least, that is how I have always seen it. My parents bore a child that was born wrong, their relationship was then deemed wrong and they divorced the moment I arrived. My peers deemed me wrong because I was physically different. I felt wrong from the start. So then, what must it feel like to feel right?

I have had glimpses of that feeling, through my children, and through a few people in my life that love me genuinely. I often push these people away, because the feeling I get from them feels, well, wrong. I am accustomed to being treated as less than. Less than the daughter wanted, less than a whole person, less than the perfect mate. I have spent my entire life trying to convince people that I am whole, I am enough. In reality, the one that needs the most convincing is me, that darn Self.

I am attracting good things to me, good people, positive events. The negative ones are still there, still reign supreme in my mind. But that is okay, because their time is limited. I am in therapy, I am working on leaving an abusive, awful situation, my kids are healthy, I am healthy, and soon, I will be happy forever. I am searching for the career of my life, and maybe just maybe it is not something  I have to find for myself but rather something I create myself. Just like I am reinventing myself personally. I will invent myself professionally. I will create the career I am meant to reside in, until then, I will keep on my path….finish that elusive college degree, pay off my significant amounts of debt, and get myself prepared for the greatest second half of life ever.

Life is a highway, and I wanna drive it all night long…..wait, no, actually I want to sleep all night long, but that is a whole other life goal I will have to work towards. It is what it is, until it is something different, is a motto of mine. I think I am going to change that to, it is what it is, until I make it what I want it to be. And for that I say, “grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I invite anyone and everyone on my journey. It comes with a warning though, I am prone to randomness, roller coaster emotions, and a touch of brilliant genius. So buckle up, cause here we go…..