Leaving an abusive relationship is almost as scary, difficult, taxing, and anxiety inducing as being in the damn relationship to begin with, at least for me. I have to rebuild myself from the ground up. I have a job, but as an independent contractor, and only for the last 5 months. I have 3 years into my college degree and desire to finish, but uhhh who has the time and money for that right now?!?! No, really, WHO?? I need a place to live, with my 3 kids, but I have very little credit, and apparently some medical bills I was unaware of from like 4 years ago….so, that is another pile of dog poo poo I am trying to deal with currently.
You know that saying, “God only gives you as much as you can handle,” well, I think he fell asleep with the remote, because I feel overwhelmed regularly. He must think I am freaking Wonder Woman to keep piling it on like this. Either that, or he knows I have questioned his existence, and he does in fact have a mean streak in him. Who knows, and quite frankly, who has time to worry about that….not me.
I am dealing with PTSD, finding a new, more reliable job, finding a place to live, keeping myself and my children safe, working my current job in the meantime, and trying to sort out the issue prohibiting me from moving forward. It feels like I am drowning. I always pictured this time as feeling like I regained my freedom, and yet, I feel as though I am now a prisoner to my life. If that makes sense. I have these moments, like what I am in right now, where I just ramble in my head, not quite sure if I am making sense.
I will say this, to anyone reading who is contemplating getting out, but reads this and is now scared shitless….do it anyway. Because as scared as I am right now, I was more terrified living day to day with an abusive, narcissist. Get out, whatever you need to do, just figure it out, and get out. Do not second guess yourself or wait until…until is now. The rest can be figured out.
It is 5:09 am, and so far, I have filled out 4 job applications, vented on social media, applied to a couple more apartments, and found 4 more places to go see soon. Oh yeah, and written this little gem. I feel like a full day has already been accomplished and yet, there remains so much more to do.
I just keep saying, “It’s going to be ok.” I also ask everyone in my support network to tell me the same thing, over and over on a loop.
I have always said I perform best under pressure, and this is certainly pressure, so I guess it is just an opportunity to show myself just what I am made of. Hey, maybe I am Wonder Woman….where’s that damn lasso??