I feel blocked. No, not constipated, blocked. My energy, my potential, I feel blocked. I know it is because of the way I was raised, and the old beliefs I still hold on to because I am too afraid to let go. Blocked feels comfortable, as odd as that sounds. It feels frustrating, fearful, and yet, comfortable. It is what I have known my entire life, since birth. So how do I let go of this feeling, these stale, crusty beliefs that hold me back? How do I learn to release the krakken….no, I mean fear, and move forward? The other day I tried to listen to healing music and journal myself clear. Let me just say it rings true, “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” By day’s end I was spiraling into a sea of negative thoughts and fear.
I believe that the world is made up of energy, and this energy flow determines what we attract, or repel, in our lives. I believe my energy is stuck, is blocked. I truly believe I am stuck because my subconscious refuses to give up the old, negative thoughts that were instilled in me as a child. So now, everything I want feels just beyond my reach. Everything I want to accomplish seems daunting and almost unattainable. Have you ever felt that feeling? Have you ever felt like you could see yourself at the finish line, but you have no idea how to get there, and the path along the way just keeps hurdling obstacle after obstacle?
How are we to keep moving forward when our own selves are raging against us, raging against the change we truly know we need? I listened to a podcast in which the speaker said to change your life 1% every day, and in a year you would be where you want to be. I feel like I am making small changes every day, and then, my old self, the self that is terrified of the new self, rages against me dragging me back to the starting line. How do we let go of fear and find faith, when everything we have ever had faith in has failed us, and we are fearful above all else? What is the cure for this?
I find myself exhausted, mentally and physically. I find myself distracted and missing things that I should not be missing. My blocks are inhibiting my progress, and I hate this feeling. How do I heal 40 years worth of neglect, fear, anxiety, and blockage, from my parents, my significant others, myself? How do I stand up to my subconscious and say enough is enough? How do I finally get what I want, what I need, to be happy? At what point is the change less fearful than remaining the same?
I need healing, I need to put myself on the top of my priority list, I need to set the example to my kids instead of just talking the talk. I need to show them what a strong woman looks like, instead of telling them how to become one. I need to face my fear, and shove it off a cliff…my fear, not myself, don’t worry. I need to be the strong woman everyone sees me as, and not the helpless, scared little girl I feel like inside. I need to empower myself, and stop focusing solely on empowering my daughters. Right now, as I write this, the one word raging in my head is, but, but, but, but….but nothing. I have to stop sabotaging myself.
And here I sit, waiting for the next words….but…nothing. I have to find the way. I have to find my way. I have to stop obsessing about this, living in fear, feeling blocked, feeling unworthy. I have to allow myself the same opportunity I want for my girls. I have to see the good in myself the same as I see the good in them. I cannot talk the talk and not walk the walk. They deserve better, and so do I, whether I want to believe it or not. So now what? Honestly, I have no damn idea.
I took a quiz this morning to determine my archetype. An archetype is defined as a pattern of power. It describes your personality, and how you interact with others. It tells what you gain power from, and how you value yourself. My archetype is lover, and it could not BE more spot on if I had written a dissertation about my personality. I am creative, emotional, a caregiver. I put others’ feelings before my own. I am deeply loyal, value honesty, and can spot a lie a mile away. I love hard, deep, and easily. I am full of more passion than 10 Valentine’s Days. I am vulnerable to narcissists and psychotics, enter my 2 ex-husbands. Everything it said about me was spot on. Now, I know what you are thinking, so? What do I do with this information? What does anyone do with this information?
Understanding that I am not just some over-emotional mess of a woman, helps me feel a bit better about myself. Seeing these things written out, helps me recognize that what I have is a personality type, not necessarily a disorder….although I do have several of those, but that is another post. What I do is utilize this information to help guide me down the path I belong. I embrace it, long story short. I learn to take my personality and make it work for me, instead of raging against who I am as a person. I learn to love me right where I am. I accept behavior from other people that I would never tolerate from myself. I hold myself to a standard I would never impose on others. I punish myself for feeling too much, and for not being able to control my feelings.
Honestly, it is no wonder I do not sleep, and no wonder I am exhausted all the time. It is not easy being so self-loathing. It is like a full time job, with no pay, because that would be a positive. So I will spend some time today, probably too much time today, researching this archetype thing and determining what I can do to make it work for me. I was listening to a webinar yesterday on abundance, and she kept stressing that we need to determine how we can get paid to be ourselves.
I am engaging, social, and people love sharing their problems with me. I am charming and charismatic, and love to speak in public and have all eyes on me while truly feeling as though I am making a difference. I have been through so much trauma, I could speak on almost any topic at expert level. How do I turn that into getting paid to be me, to rid myself of my abundance blocks, and let the lover archetype I am flourish? How do I do that, and not sabotage my entire way of being out of self-loathing? Well, clearly I need to stop the self-loathing part. LOL. I am working on it….every moment of every day.
I need to love myself as much as I love others, or heck, even more.
I cannot fathom losing one of my children. I cannot even consider what parents who lose a child go through during the grieving process, and for the rest of their lives. Yet, I feel as though I was close to losing one of my own children. Two weeks ago, my oldest daughter had homecoming. She went to the football game Friday, slept over at a friend’s house, and attended the dance the next evening. I picked her up from the dance, she looked so gorgeous. The next two days she spent in bed. I thought she had overdone it over the weekend when she spent Sunday in bed. When she stayed home from school on Monday, I knew something was wrong. She stayed in bed, complaining of exhaustion and joint pain. The pain is something chronic, we have spent years dealing with the issue. The exhaustion, I attributed to her hectic schedule. I did not give her a problem about staying home, but I did let her know Tuesday she would need to get back to school. She never made it there, because by Monday evening we were in the emergency room.
Late Monday afternoon my daughter came to me, crying, saying she needed help. I sent the other girls in the other room, and tried calming her down. She was inconsolable, but I could not understand why. I know we have been through a complete upheaval and trauma for the last 8 years, but I honestly thought we were all on the path to repair. She was crying, and hiding under her hair. She was rocking back and forth telling me the bad thoughts would not stop. I kept asking questions, calmly, trying to understand what was going on in that moment. Then she uttered the words, “I do not want to hurt myself, but I cannot control all the thoughts anymore.” At this moment I realized, my daughter literally was struggling for her life. She was battling thoughts in her mind that were telling her to kill herself. My child was battling suicidal thoughts. I struggled not to break down.
I sat there, shocked, scared, and struggling to keep talking to her without having a nervous breakdown. What do I do? I have to help her, I have to protect her, even if it is from herself. I tried to calm her down, and assess the situation. Could she be calmed enough to wait until the morning for help? She said no. Should we go to the emergency room? Is there somewhere else I should take her? Do I call 911, or take her myself? What do I tell the other two kids? My mind was swimming. She was alternating between complete silence, and borderline nervous breakdown. I told her I would take her to the emergency room if she felt she needed help right now, and it could not wait. She said yes. I made sure a friend could keep the other two kids, and we left for the emergency room.
I sat there filling out the papers, looking at my beautiful, tortured soul of a child. Her hair was greasy, but still borderline perfect. Her eyes were red from crying, but still captivating and deep. Her body was twitching and anxious, but still in peak, athletic condition. My daughter looked so together, and yet so broken. I wanted to trade places with her, I wanted to take away all her pain, and make sure she never hurts again. They took us back, and I watched as the nurse systematically removed all the long cords and sharp objects from the room. I watched my daughter as she began to realize why the nurse was removing items. I watched a bit of the reality set in, and I watched her face fall a little bit.
Blood work, urinalysis, and mental health interview done, and here we sit. The mental health professional sits us down to review our options. Inpatient treatment at the local mental health facility. Three-five days of treatment, possible medication, and therapy set up after discharge. Option two, partial inpatient, ten days of 8-3 in the mental health facility, but she would come home at the end of the day. Long duration, and more school missed, but she would come home every day. I looked at my daughter, and I let her know I would support whichever decision she wanted to try. She asked me what I thought she should do, so I told her, let’s talk through it together and decide. Ultimately, she decided to go with inpatient. It turned out to be 7 days, not 3-5.
The first two days I was a disaster. I cried, uncontrollably. Guilt, sadness, and fear took over my soul. I visited her as often as I could, almost every single day with little exception. She is home now, and seems much better. She is on antidepressants and antianxiety medication. She is also starting therapy, and back at school. I have dealt with depression throughout my life, as well as anxiety. I have never felt suicidal, but I see how it impacts a person. I see the struggle in her eyes. I will always be her biggest cheerleader, her greatest supporter. I will always be her champion.
Mental health issues are still taboo to a point in this society. My daughter was scared for her life, scared about losing control and hurting (or killing) herself. She came to me for help, she came to her mom to fix it. Watch for signs in your children, and other loved ones. Let them know it is okay to struggle and need help emotionally. Support your loved ones in their emotions. Give them the support they need, and do not be afraid to seek emergency help. Suicide is irreversible. Do not wait until it is too late.
So the corporate job did not pan out. I was disappointed, greatly. I cried, quite a bit. I know I know, it’s a job. I guess I was looking at it as the greatest opportunity I have had in my life, career wise. It was that opportunity that would have changed our lives and reduced so much stress in my life. But, it is not meant to be. I took it hard. My oldest daughter took it hard. She is very concerned about money, and trying to reduce the amount of struggle we face. It is a great concern to me, and something I need to address.
Now what?!? I did not get the amazing job, that door closed. It took a week for them to tell me. I was certain I was all but a shoe-in. I mean, yes, I had my doubts, but I really had confidence. I have to let it go and move on. In the last week, I have picked up more virtual assistant clients, and started trying to write more, not that you would know that here. I have been working more on writing for therapy. Writing what may turn out to be a book, may not. I find myself going into self-preservation mode. I guess that is a normal reaction to this situation.
So now I circle the wagons. I regroup and focus on the work I have, instead of the work I do not have. It is difficult though, because the work I have pays so much less than the work I would have had. Can you see my obsessing, yeah, I know. Perhaps that job opportunity was but an obstacle put in my way, testing my devotion to my current career. Perhaps, I need to learn to have more faith in my abilities to create the income I desire in the career I have now. Maybe that is my lesson. I need to have more faith in myself to provide what I need, and stop looking to outside sources.
I had not thought about the situation like that, until about 30 seconds ago. Perhaps the path I started, IS the path I belong on. The job interview and the potential opportunity were merely a wrong turn in the corn maze of life. I lost my way for a moment, but now I am on the correct path. Honestly, I don’t know. I know I need to have faith in myself, in so many ways. I know I need to create a mindset of abundance, and positive energy flow. I struggle, as it seems every time I turn around something bad happens. I try to shake each of them off and keep moving. I try to inject humor into life and just keep it moving. Sometimes it is easy, and sometimes it is so hard I just fall apart.
I do not like feeling disjointed, and yet, I feel it often. Although, when I feel it most, I am drawn to self-preserving activities like yoga, meditation, and energy healing. So I guess I could be worse off. I could turn to food, drugs, alcohol, or some other self-destructive behavior. So it seems I do have some love for myself in there somewhere. I need to focus on that, growing my love from the inside out.
The universe works in mysterious ways. Last post I was lamenting, feeling a sense of lack, not feeling anything was working out and fighting the urge to be completely discouraged. Just when I was about to throw my hands up to the universe and say, “I give up, I don’t know what else to do,” I got a call. A friend of mine had recommended I put in an application for a job with her company. A job for a Corporate Communications Writer. I had filled out the application, but it has been several days and had not heard a peep from anyone. My friend had told me they were going to pull my application, but again, it had been several days since then….so I figured maybe my experience was not enough for their position.
In the meantime, I have filled out approximately 3-4 applications every day. I have also been looking at how to pursue my own Virtual Assistant business, so I could work without the middleman of a contracting company. I love the idea of making six-figures while working from home, but many of these gurus charge almost six-figures to teach you how they got to where they are….which is how they are making that much money. So to say I have been frustrated is an understatement.
Anyway, back to the phone call. I was picking my youngest up from school, and had been texting a friend while sitting in the carpool line. I was literally telling him how frustrated and impatient I was getting, and how disappointed I feel. My phone rings and I answer. It is a woman from the company with the Corporate Communications Writer position. She wants to do a phone interview…RIGHT NOW!! So of course, I shush my daughter, and we start talking about the job. I was very honest about my experience, and why it is I need something different than my current employment situation. The woman wants to set up an in person interview, and send me the links I will need to complete writing samples to bring with me.
OMG…is this real?? I am so excited at this point, I can hardly contain myself. I know I was not offered the job yet….but I really feel like I have a great chance at getting the position. It pays great, offers the benefits I will need, and is a family friendly company. I would love the opportunity to write for a living, even if it is corporate writing, because any writing is writing. If I can write website content to sell “prepper” supplies, I can certainly write corporate content.
I cannot wait to get to these writing samples, I am truly going to knock them out of the park. Just when I was feeling frustrated, down, and very discouraged, the universe gave me what I needed to get me motivated again. I am so excited. Even if this happens to not work out for some reason, I know I will end up where I belong even if it takes longer than I like. Chin up and all that mess. The universe gives you what you need, when you need it, and you are where you are for a reason. Lessons abound everywhere in life.
Instead of focusing on the minutiae, we have to learn to live in each moment and gather from that moment what we are meant to learn. I have to learn patience with myself, and how to pick myself up, instead of letting my thoughts get the best of me. I have to learn to be my own cheerleader, instead of relying on others to pick me up because I have gotten so down on myself. My negative self-chatter is unacceptable. If any one of my girls talked about or to themselves the way I do in my head, I would be so sad. I am their example, and I need to be a great one. On the up-side, I am working on it, and every day, I do a little better.