As an over-caffeinated, work from home, mom of three, going through the separation/divorce from a narcissist, and dealing with CPTSD, I have many random thoughts. So I thought I would share the randomness of my mind for those of you brave enough to endure the journey….
All morning I have been sitting here crying off and on about faith. How do I maintain or have faith ever in a celestial being who has allowed so much damage, disease, torture, and just evil in the world?!? I mean, who has faith in a world so fucked up, anyway…but then a friend said, “do not forget, there is free will, and with it comes a multitude of problems. It breaks God’s heart to see people mistreating others and seeing people suffer.” I sat there crying some more thinking I had been so awful to be judgemental, and God is sitting there crying with me. But then I thought, dude, you have all the power to make it stop, so stop the crying and do something, dammit. Some locusts, a well-placed plague, something!
Of course, if I expect God to do something about the worldly injustice, I should be doing something about my own personal injustices…right?!?! Well, I am so back off okay. I am in therapy, and yeah…right now that is about as much as I can handle, and even that feels overwhelming at times. Some days I cannot even manage to focus on anything, at all. Other days I just kill it! Of course, the do nothing days far outweigh the kill it days.
So I still don’t know if there is a God, or not, or some other universal energy being, or not. I still do not feel compelled to have faith in anything or anyone, even myself. I feel tired, worn down, and too tired to give a crap. On the other hand, my brain really wants to have something fulfilling to do all day while my kids are in school. Work is no longer challenging me, or even sustaining me. I am feeling bored, uninspired, and totally out of shape.
Yoga, I need to get back to yoga…or running. Or both. Of course in order to do either I would have to have the energy to do anything besides cry and look for jobs online, most of which I am not qualified to do. I think about grabbing my camera and going for a walk, maybe start a project in which I write about a picture I take, something new every day. Nah, I am way too exhausted for that. I really should do something about my fatigue….oh wait, therapy.
Speaking of therapy, my youngest has her therapeutic visitation with her father tomorrow afternoon….ugh. This is a huge source of anxiety for her, and thus, for me. I hate making her do something she does not want to, and long for the day the court says ok, we tried, but she is not doing well with this, and she needs a break to completely heal. I would pray for that day, but to whom am I praying?!?!
Oh crap, now it’s 2:15pm, I have to pick up the little one in an hour, and I don’t know what we’re doing for dinner. And my oldest has a game tonight….ughhh….I would pray for a rain out, but ummm, yeah.
The better part of my afternoon was this random trail of thoughts bumping around in my head, over and over on a loop. I know a great deal of my issue is my CPTSD, but I really want to get to a point where I feel well enough. I know I will never be “normal,” since CPTSD impacts brain volume, function. But I want to be okay. I want to be able to figure out what I want to do and do it. I want to find passion again in my life. I want to do things I love, and feel good. I want to be fearless in my pursuit of what sets my soul on fire. I want to know what sets my soul on fire. I want to have energy, faith, happiness.
If you have made it this far, omg, you really are bored….lol. No really, thank you.